A Letter to Myself

 Dear Me,

I cannot expect my body to be overly muscley, stick thin, or perfectly perfect. Why should it be? Will it make more people love me? No. Will it really make me happier? Probably not. Does it really matter? Not in the long run.

The women I look up to, who I inspire to be, I inspire to be not for their thigh gap, their toned arms, or their perfect body. I look up to them for their determination, their strength, their ability to love and to laugh and to be courageous. There is no correlation between thigh gaps and courage. So I should stop treating it as though it will give me such.

The man I want to love me for eternity will not love me more for having perfectly shaped legs or a perfectly flat stomach. Because eternal love is unconditional love, and he will love me when I work out and he will love me when I gain 5 pounds. Why? Because a flat stomach doesn't give me love and respect. Because a thigh gap doesn't tell you how lovely my personality is. Because there is no correlation between love and perfect curves. So I will stop treating it as though it will give me such.

 And how sad that I should be so harsh on my own body? The body that wakes me in the morning and puts me to rest at night.
The body that cradles my soul.

So, instead of striving towards a thigh gap, or for sleek arms, or a flat six pack, I will wish for other things.

I will wish to always have legs that can carry me up into the mountains and back down to my home. I will wish for lungs that make it so I can laugh for hours and run for miles. I will wish for arms that hug perfectly and cradle little souls. I will wish for a backbone that stands straight and firm. I will wish for hands that can always paint and inspire.

Because those things create love, laughter, determination, strength and courage.

Breathe.




I deserve love--whether I'm perfect or not.
(repeatx10000)

I love you.

Love, Me

t e n d e r m e r c i e s

"The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ." (David A. Bednar, "The Tender Mercies of the Lord", Ensign, May 2005, 99)

Tonight my heart is full of gratitude for the blessings Dean and I have received in the past few days. Friday was a complete whirlwind, but since we decided to get married in October,  we have been happy and at peace. I was worried to tell people about our decision to wait, because when you're an LDS couple extending your engagement eight more months, people automatically assume you've sinned. And it was really hard for me to accept that I could not control what people were to assume about me,  and it's still hard, but it's time to release that worry and frustration and focus on bettering ourselves and our relationship. 

There are moments of bitterness, when I lose sight of how short eight months really is, and I think about the long stretch ahead of us; and when I think about other girls getting engaged and married and pregnant (geeze) in the span that I've been engaged. But I'm pretty sure it was Jeffrey R. Holland who said something about how other people's blessings shouldn't make us envious... and something about pickle juice, haha. 

But those bitter moments disperse into nothing when I acknowledge my love for Dean and how strong we are going to grow together; and how we are actually at seven months and twenty-eight days now. And most importantly, the truth that I fully believe in: God would never put something in our hands that we weren't capable of molding into something beautiful. It's these things I believe in that give me the strength to wake up happy and calm and peaceful. 

 In moments of weakness, I have experienced great love from God, from Dean, from friends and family. I am so blessed, so grateful, and so full of love. Thank you.