Breaking up with College: A Letter

Dear College,

I want you to know how great you are. I want you to know all of the wonderful things you've done for me--like showing me how to be a feminist, how to actually do math, and how to tell if my professor is really reading my essays.
I want to thank you for that little spot you had waiting for me, on the very first day of school. The one with the concrete bench and the freshly mowed grass with trees all around me. Your campus is beautiful.

But... you've also been really stressful for me. In fact, I can't remember a time where I wasn't biting my nails, shedding tears, or staying up until 4 in the morning to finish homework. And lately, I haven't been my happy, hyper, weird self. And I miss myself. The girl that would walk to the library once a week to get a new book, the girl that marched up and down the art supplies isle until she thought of something fun to paint, the girl who actually laughed at jokes instead of yawned or cried or hyperventilated.

This week, I've realized that I only have one life. Only one. I will only be 21 once. I will only be engaged once. I will only get married once. I will only have so many summers to sit outside reading, to sleep in my boat, to be with the ones that I love.

And I just don't think my summer should include those hyperventilating, sleepless, anxious nights anymore.

So I think we need to go on a break until Spring.
I'm sorry.
It's you, not me.

I love you.

she will find what is lost.

This morning I looked through my notes on my phone and found a phrase that said,

"She will find what is lost."

Not remembering what I was talking about, I searched the phrase and this picture popped up.

Finding this art piece, by Brian Kershisnik, turned out to be the biggest blessing today.

Sometimes life is really hard and I feel like I am alone.

But of course God is full of love and is going to gently remind me that I'm not.

As of late.

Sometimes it takes a lot of tears, constant anxiety, and sleep deprivation to finally grasp

the concept of prioritizing. 

And not prioritizing for school or work, but for happiness.

So, instead of studying, I ate ice cream with my fiance, cried to my parents, and dropped a class.

Life is almost always contradictory, sometimes ironic, and if you're lucky,

it can also be simple.

June 13th.

I always feel like it's a little victory when I finally accept a

not-so-great trait of mine and am able to laugh at it.

I am a little anxious, and slightly weird and maybe gossipy,

and impossibly nerdy.

But I'm also pretty smart and I can be nice and somewhat funny.

And all of these traits are what make my family,

my fiance,

and my friends 

love me.

And today I loved myself a whole lot which is always a reason to celebrate.